What can I say? What excuse do I have? None at all... I chose to do it. And I regret it. Didn't rely on God again. Tried to take things in my own hands. Tell you something. My own efforts almost always brings zero results. Dear Lord... I'm sorry. There's this feeling of dread that what i've done may be irreversible... But I spent saturday night asking for forgiveness...
ROAR!!!! Irritated at how the world just chugs on... Not caring about how I'm feeling right now. Not depressed... but annoyed at myself. Andy rebuked me today. I realise how important it is to never do that again. Not just for reputation, but as a testimony to God.
To Matt & Jean: Trust me... I won't do it again. Not until its over. This is a promise I'm making to the both of you... Thanks for listening.
Went for practice with Band 3 after church today. I'm not in their band but just decided to help out with the acoustic guitar. It was so fun!! Really look forward to playing next week. Actually I was just wanting to talk to Patricia about something... In the end, i didn't get to talk to her either. :P
I'll keep my distance... I stay consistent...
For now at least...
Just a little while more...
::: Quote of the Day :::
"The bottom line of faith is summed up in simple terms. Believe it before you see it. Faith is your positive response to what God has said. When a heart is full of faith, it will always do what it takes to dispel doubt and fear.
You have to go with what you know, not what you feel. Faith comes by hearing the Word of God. So, the more you hear, the more you know."
Question: What role does attractiveness play in this love/lust equation?
Answer: We find that highly attractive couples tend to divorce more — probably because they have more opportunities to form new relationships. In general, we tend to couple with people who have a similar level of attractiveness. We also find that men tend to fall for pretty faces, while women are highly attracted to men with fat wallets. From an evolutionary standpoint, this makes sense because men are looking to improve their gene pool while women are looking for men who will help to support their children.
Came across this while reading an article online. Forgive me if i sound a little bitter... Just disgusted at humanity in general. According to this 'study', if I'm not good-looking, i have to be rich. If I'm not rich, I have to be good looking. If I'm good-looking I'll take it for granted. If I'm rich, I'll wonder if she really loves me. If I'm neither... help...! Thank God that the types of people aren't reduced to those who are found in studies.
I've realised that I've been yearning for contact a lot... As I look back over the past few months. I've been hugging my dog more often. Which brings me to another thought. Maybe you don't miss her, maybe you miss being in close contact with someone. Recently, I had another one of those, 'i-wouldn't-mind-getting-to-know-her-more' kind of situation. I would have, i could have... But as usual, not yet. I wonder whether this is how people lose sight of morality or standards. Because they are worn out by attrition. Attrition means something is being slowly worn out because of constant stress. Yes... Secondary 4 geography lesson for you right there. THATS WHY ITS SO IMPORTANT TO KNOW WHAT AND WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS FOR, YOU FOOL!
But in all fairness, God has been great. Always surpassing my expectations. When you think that you've experienced it all, He comes at you at another angle saying, 'HA!!! YOU DIDN'T EXPECT THAT, DID YOU???'
I'm still in need of a little more fine tuning. My greatest fear is that after the one year, I still won't be where God wants me to be. :-( Bought a necklace with a cross on Sunday. I like it a lot. Especially when it serves as a reminder to do Quiet Time or to 'behave' myself. Haha... Not that I should rely on it more than the Spirit. :P
You could stop right here, my dear Daryl. You could just let it be right now. I'd still love you as much as I ever will. But the thing is Daryl, do you want to stop here? Do you want to give up my plan, my perfect plan? She could be yours now, but will you be satisfied with that only? (not sure whether i got this part right. Could be my own thoughts...)
There are still so many things I want teach you. So many things I have planned for you... I know you're lonely... I know you how you feel. But hang in there. I'm in it with you. I promised you that you're going to be used mightily by me. I'm training you now. Keep at it...
::: Lyric of the Day :::
You called me up last night in tears and said you missed me after all these years
But Ive been waiting here so long, Ive gotten over it since you've been gone
You called me late last night again and said you're finished with your new boyfriend
Asked if you could come back home- so sorry that you left me all alone, well
You say you love me, love me again but if you love me- where have you been?
Here's something worth reading...
DO IT YOURSELF
By Joe Kidd
On Aug 8, writer Paul Zach once again pointed out that this is "the only country in the world where radio plays almost anything but music by its own artistes." A week later reporter Tommy Wee cautioned readers not to be so quick to blame the DJs and said that radio stations are run like businesses and that to get into the game, indie bands should wise up and start playing to the broadcasters' bottom dollar. Now, JOE KIDD, Malaysian punk rocker and DIY guru, says you don't have to play the game - go the DIY way, stay true to your heart and passion and, most of all, build up your own musical community. Totally un$ingaporean...I just don't see what's the argument about. No airplay? So what? That's to be expected these days unless you wanna play the game. But would I want to listen to a band which plays the game?
Nope. I would go to great lengths NOT to support them. Why? Because the industry is full of shit and to be a part of that industry is to eat shit and produce shit. For what? Money? What money? Fame? Okay-lah, Fame but is that so vital to your life-support system? Fame covered in shit? People know, you know. And those who are too blind to see the shit are just plain ignorant and usually ignorant people do not care about the scene anyway.
And to be a part of that industry is also to ignore, condone and even support the blatant exploitation that has been going on for aeons in the local music industry - artists being paid shit all the time for something which they put out with their blood, sweat and tears. You wanna talk about "fair record deals" in this age? In this region? You must be joking. P Ramlee died a very poor man with mountainous debts. His son is now a City Hall coolie, sweeping the roads you trod on. Amy Search, Awie Wings and all those so called "rock stars" ate shit for years and when they woke up, they had to go to the courts to fight for what they were worth. And when they were freed, the industry refused to support them anymore. You don't eat shit, you die.
People have to wake up. You don't need to eat shit. In fact, you'd be better off that diet. Do it DIY stylee. Get off that whole oppressive value system which sees success in terms of sales figures, airplay, publicity and chart-placings. That's all bullshit. Nobody with the right mind should fall for that.
People in the media also know jack shit. And that's the whole story. They don't know what the **** they are writing about. There's no passion in what they do, nor love or even respect. Unlike the musicians themselves, who see their worth through their art and they know that they do not need validation from the media to see their self worth.
What you need is a community. In Malaysia we have that community. This community doesn't care shit about the industry. Or the media. We go along with what we want and how we want to do it. No airplay? We'll do our own CD-R compilations and spread it around at RM5. No media coverage? We do our own zines and websites and forums. No gigs? We do our own gigs and bring all the bands we like to come and play.
Expensive studio hours? **** that. Record live on a MiniDisc recorder at a rehearsal studio, clean it up with your pirated audio software on your cheap PC and burn it and sell it at the gigs and have it on your site. If the community likes it, it will lap it up anyway. Over here, you can get recording studios for RM35 an hour or even less! $ingapore bands should stop whining and come over and record, master and even press those damn CDs.
No support from the public? That's also a huge bundle of shit. There's always support. It's small maybe but it's a community of supporters. Build that community. It may start small but we have nowhere to go apart from bigger and bigger and that's what's happening over here. Don't fight over petty bullshit which you people always do. Put out regular zines. Have CD-R samplers with those zines. organise gigs and get people to come together on the basis that we are all against the bullshit that's going around in the part of the world which we love and that we are here to build our own niche our own way. A place where we can do what we want without those dirty hands which actually don't have anything to offer anyway apart from shit covered with a very thin layer of Petaling Street imitation gold. Make the scene hip, not on the mainstream terms but on the sheer fact that we are doing it our very own way and staunchly anti-mainstream.
As for BigO, go back to basics. Back to the Xeroxed days when it was all about the local scene and that it has nothing to do with the industry. I started having problems with BigO when ******* Phil Collins graced the cover. What's that? Yeah, if it's about Genesis I wouldn't mind so much but Phil Collins the solo artist? Whoa! Something's very wrong here.
Outside of the mainstream media and those radioshow's token slots which you talked about, there are lots of great $ingaporean bands of whatever persuasion. And we know. We had them over. We buy their CDs. Their CD-Rs. We buy their T-shirts. We talk to them. We slam to them and we love them. Again, the mainstream media coverage is not the yardstick. It never has been. Things are happening in the scene, bigger and better than before. It boils down to whether you are in touch or not. Whether the passion is there or not. And if you have the passion for it, you'll be in touch with it. As the Malays would say, "Tepuk dada, tanya selera." It's there if you want it. Reach out and be prepared to be showered with real gold.
Got the following from Pam... Dunno where she got it from. Weekend approaching again. I sense a whirlwind of activity approaching. There are too many things happening at the same time... I dunno which to deal with first. Haven't spent time with God this entire week. I think i'm going to spend time now.
Number : 2
Your love nature is sentimental, romantic and kind. Your easygoing, mild manner allows almost everyone to feel very comfortable with you - especially shy guys/gals. Your modesty and tact enable you to get along easily with both sexes. You're a natural peacemaker and can be very persuasive with words, which helps you to gain the respect of your classmates. You can also be too sensitive at times, and your greatest drawback is a lack of confidence to stand up for yourself in conflict.
Your favorite type of guy/gal is a gentle, affectionate one who is also strong and playful. A great sense of humor is also a must. A guy/gal who loves to listen to music and dance should rank high on your list of favorites, too.
Chris Carrabba does it again
::: Song of the Day :::I catalog these steps now,decisive and intentioned,
precise and patterned specifically to yours.
I'm talented at breathing,especially exhaling,
so that my chest will rise and fall with yours.
I'm careful not to wake you,fearing conversation.
It's better just to hold you and keep you pacified.
I'm talented with reason,I cover all the angles.
I can fail before I even try.
Try to understand,theres an old mistake that fools will make.
And i'm the king of them,pushing everything that's good away.
So won't you hold me now? (I will not bend.I will not break.)
Won't you hold me now? (I will not bend.I will not break.)
I am feeling agile. I can bend and not break.
Or I can break and take it with a smile.
I am so resilient. I recover quickly.
I'll convince you soon that i am fine.
Try to understand,theres an old mistake that fools will make.
And i'm the king of them,pushing everything that's good away.
So won't you hold me now? (I will not bend.I will not break.)
Won't you hold me now? (For you I rise for you I fall.)
Try to understand,theres an old mistake that fools will make.
And i'm the king of them,pushing everything that's good away.
So won't you hold me now? Won't you hold me now?
| dashboard confessional - i will not bend, i will not break |
Sometimes I think that a journal is the greatest thing in the world... I just wrote about something that was bothering me this whole day. But after writing, I was reminded that I shouldn't be like that. How easily it consumes... How easy it is to slip back down. Thank God for Lynette, Patricia and Gloria who came to talk to me. Took my mind off things. Really enjoy spending time with them. Its like I feel super comfortable being around them. Went for a haircut after lunch. People say I look neater... but i don't know. Kinda like a china doll or something. Will see what my colleagues say tomorrow. No more hair-swinging while playing the drums... :P
Losing hope isn't something that I'll ever get used to...
::: Lyric of the Day :::
Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life
If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
Hey there... Its 1:10 am now... I'm supposed to be in bed now, but just feel that there are a lot of things on my mind. Haven't had much time to spend with God this weekend. Although I have been in church the past 2 days and going again later... Was in church for megapraise just now. People said that it was very good. Praise God! Although there were many things that were against us... For example, Jeremy didn't come for all of the practices... (there were only 3!) Joe had to leave early most of the time. Shaoxiong was tired cos he'd just came back from Malaysia an hour before megapraise. I was also kinda tired because of the jamming I had from 2pm to 4pm. We weren't sure of sequences, styling, rhythm... things like that. But what amazed me was how God used us when we let Him. How things like impressing people with how we play doesn't matter! It really doesn't. I think we scrapped the last 2-3 songs because of the way the worship was flowing. We even went into spontaneous singing. The unplanned type!!! Which still amazes me. Those who are in worship ministry would understand what I mean. Well, played till the blister on my index finger broke... I think I used 10 bandages on my fingers today. Had to tape the drumstick to my right finger also because I couldn't grip the stick. :P
I wrote a letter last night and poured my feelings into it. Turns out its like a summary of what I've been blogging for the past 7 months? I realise that sometimes I have absolutely no willpower at all... I give in too easily to some people. Its kind of sickening... Don't understand myself sometimes. You need to spend time with God, daryl... You're getting off track. But at least I'm able to focus on other things now... At least I'm able to be joyful in spite of this... At least I'm able to serve Him still... At least its not my whole world crumbling again... At least I'm able to be able to view life beyond this... At least. But it'll always be part of me. Maybe there is a future for me after all... You have the rest of your life, daryl... Use it!!!
Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who is constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to his head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who will always cheer them up and help them out.
An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with Jesus Christ. He asks one of his new students to stand...
Prof: You are a Christian, aren't you, son?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But Jesus didn't. How is this Jesus good then? Hmm?
(The student is silent.)
Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?
(The student does not answer.)
Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?
(The student has no answer.)
Prof: Tell me, son. Do you believe in Jesus Christ?
Student: Yes, professor, I do.
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your Jesus?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus, smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ or God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.
Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.
(The student is silent for a moment)
Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.
(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, megaheat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.
(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)
Student: What about darkness, professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light.....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, professor. Do you teach
your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher?
(The class is in uproar)
Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?
(The class breaks out into laughter)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?.....No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable)
Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
| Read through another quarter of proverbs last night. So many things that still need to be worked on. Sometimes it gets to the point where its overwhelming. Its not easy to live this way.
Why do you bother? Because I love Him and I want to live my life right. For Him. Gratitude, love, respect, awe. Pick one. Megapraise practice tonight. Haven't really gotten accustomed to the songs. I just need to run through each song once or twice without stopping. Nathan's supposed to pass me his write-up for the prayer bulletin tonight. Hopefully he did it already. Have to complete the bulletin by Sunday. Maybe can get a few ideas from Lynette. Wondering if there could be a way through? I feel like a shy mouse. Testing the cheese a little at a time. Seeing if anything happens after I take the tiniest bite. No sharp pain? No side effects? Ok! Take another leeetle bite. Stop a while to think if I'm doing anything wrong. No? Another bite! Ooh... Whats the matter with some people? I'm giving them an opportunity to look out for others. Why always looking inward? Why always so clique-ish? Your mentality goes before you. It ruins you before you even have a chance? I've got more... Old habits die hard don't they? Over and over, its been repeated. But you just can't get it through your thick skull. You don't realise what you have. Can't you be more aware? Can't you be more careful? Forgive me if I don't make sense to anyone here. I'm just typing out my thoughts. Don't want to actually process anything... This is called 'bitching'. And contrary to what most people say, it does not make you feel better. You want to change the world? Start with yourself, daryl. People seldom ever change others. BUT... If they could only look at things from my point of view. Then they'll realise... Shut up and prove it... |  Do you need a boy/girl friend now? |
The Great Debate: Is It Better To Be Single Or Married?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"
-Lynette, age 9
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff.I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."
-Kenny, age 7
Heheh... kids say the darndest things. But there is a childish wisdom in Kenny's words... :P Not like me. Looking for trouble. I guess I'm strange that way...
Words words words...
It feels good to be talking again but yet it may not be real? I don't know the truth, but I do know how this feels. God has done so much for me... So I shouldn't worry anymore. Daryl... did your worrying get you where you are today? Nope... If I hadn't worried at all and just trusted Him all the way, I'd still be here... Maybe I'd have grown even more!! I have to remember where I stand. The decision isn't mine. All I should do and MUST do is pray. He'll take care of this.
My weekend was packed as usual. Its funny how I can be so tired and still wake up after only 6 hours of sleep... Its kinda irritating especially if I want to sleep in on Saturdays... Went to the indoor stadium for the Hillsong concert. It was quite amazing to see the entire stadium full and jumping and singing to worship songs. It was beautiful! But a bit crowded though.. :P Didn't know most of the songs that they sang cos I'm not a hillsongs fan.
Worship in church this morning was good too... Impromptu styling of the songs was a good idea. Allowed the Spirit of God to flow freely. I had a good time worshipping at the drums again! Had a good worship at the youth camp committee meeting as well. Its amazing how easily we get into the presence of God these days. Discussed the budget of the youth camp. Praise God that the budget could be reduced. All those verses from prayer meeting on Friday night did make a difference! Which brings me to another point. I've been noticing how God has been making things 'coincidently' work out for my good. I really thank Him for all the blessings.
Jamming just now was good too... We polished up our four songs. Working on showmanship now. We have another gig the day after sonicfest on 30 August. It'll be at Takashimaya. Exposure will be good but it'll be tiring for me... Been playing a lot of drums recently. Worship practice, Worship on Sunday, Megapraise practice, Cheapthrills practice.... I guess its good in a way... Get to play more. :P
"Dear Lord... this post is for you... I include in this post all my burdens, worries and anxieties. I exchange them for Your yoke which is lighter. Allow me to grow more in You and become what You have planned for me. Help me remember that You give me strength to handle every job, situation or temptation. Remind me that I can rejoice in You in spite of all these... I thank You for what You've done for me so far. Lord, I give myself to you again so that I can grow even more. Amen"
Hey there... I'm alone in the office right now... The rest of them went for lunch. I brought pizza from home so I didn't join them. Using this time to post something. Went to watch a movie at Plaza Singapura yesterday. "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen". The reviews I read rated it as average. But I thought it was quite good. Only drawback was the insanely fast fight scenes. You could only see 'things' whizzing across the screen. It was as if the cameraman was swinging his camera around aimlessly. Spent quite a lot on my personal retreat. Cab fare was $7-ish, the ticket cost $7.50, popcorn and drink was $5.50. Spent 20 bucks just like that...
Bought new drumsticks as well... I was going through this set of nylon tipped drumsticks when I suddenly lifted a pair that were super light. It was the same model but was 15 grams lighter than the rest. I searched for 15 minutes but couldn't find another pair like it. I bought that pair. I've got a feeling it won't last very long... But I'm still trying to find the best pair for me. So experimenting with different brands and types.
Finally gotten my new book, 'wrestling with God'.
If you've ever prayed long and hard over a certain request, or questioned God because of the way He answered, or doubted your faith, or struggled through a time of spiritual dryness, or puzzled over the discrepancies between what you've heard at church and how your life really is... then you've wrestled with God, whether or not you were aware of it at the time.
I think the author generalises 'wrestling'. I wouldn't classify some of the above as wrestling but thats besides the point. One of the reasons that prompted me to get this book was because I wanted to know whether struggling was wrong... Of course, I know God provides for my every need... I've experienced Him more times than I can count.
The thing is, is it wrong to struggle or to question God? Is it wrong to keep coming to God saying, "Lord, this is what I want. Remember ok?"
Or am I expected to shut up and stop worrying completely? Because I know I can never do that. Its just not possible. Not that I won't try. Its just being realistic.I feel that its when you come to God with these problems, then you start to grow.
Going for practice in church tonight. Praying that everything goes well.
Hello... Watching the community shield match between Arsenal & Manchester United. Its ended 1-1. United won on penalties!
Church was alright today. Good worship as usual. The sermon was a 'leeetle beet' boring. About Wesley again. :P Christianity reduced to 3 words would be 'Relationship with God'.
Practice for next week was very quick today. Didn't get a chance to finalise what I was going to play. I guess this gives us a chance to rely on God and to flow with the Spirit.
I've been spending quite a lot of time this weekend talking to God. Mainly because of something I needed to do on saturday. Thank God everything went well. Felt physically and mentally exhausted after everything. But thank God I didn't get depressed again. I can see how it will affect me and why my family was so concerned for me. I don't think I'll be helping for quite awhile... Its not something I'll be able to do every week.
Work starts again tomorrow... Sigh...
Don't really know why but I haven't had the mood to blog much these few weeks. It isn't that there hasn't been anything to write about. Its just that I'm to lethargic to write everything down. This can't be good.
Hello blog... Really haven't had much time to update. Work has been tough. Not that I've got lotsa things to do but I just can't seem to get it done. Web design is difficult if you're not a designer! haha... Came across an article in an emailer... It really spoke to me. Here's an excerpt.
Anything can be tedious and tiresome—whether you're a data-entry assistant, a night watchman, a pastor, a professional baseball player, or the one in the big purple dinosaur suit who works kids' parties. The secret is not found in beating the competition and landing the perfect job (not that you shouldn't strive for personal excellence and satisfaction). The secret is found in Philippians 4:12: "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want."
Work will always be work over time, but we can find joy and contentment in work if we rest in the knowledge that we are serving God with the unique gifts he has granted each of us.
Amen to that!!! Its always good to have someone other then yourself write about something that is similar to what you're feeling... Then you start to know that you're not alone in this seemingly senseless struggle...
Didn't go for work on Tuesday and Wednesday. Was quite sick. Took 2 days MC... It was a welcome break. A part of me feels that I fell sick because I wanted to... Its kinda complicated. Well, gotta go eat supper now. Goodnight!
My dear blog... Haven't been updating very often these past few weeks. I think its because I'm been so 'busy' during work. My weekends are also burnt out... Take these past 4 days for example.
Thursday - At work till 5:45pm. Rushed down to Wee Lee for practice. Jammed till 10. Reached home at 11.
Friday - Worked till 5.45pm... Headed down to Outram Park MRT.(67 to Newton mrt, then mrt to cityhall, then outram park. Waited for the rest of the band members and 'fans'(friends). walked to third place for our gig.
Saturday - Already not feeling well. Went for CG dinner at 6:30pm. CG till 10-ish. Song and Matt came down to join us for supper. Went home at 11-ish. Matt came to watch the video of our gig. He left at one something. Watched 'birthday girl' till 3-ish.
Sunday - Supposed to meet up with Andy for breakfast. Thank God he cancelled... Went back to sleep. Eileen called at 10:15am to wake me up(???). After church there was Youth Camp Committee Meeting. Very fun! Went to play soccer at Mountbatten Community Center with Song's brother's friends. Went home bruised and battered at 8-ish.
Now here I am in the office. Trying not to aggravate my injuries on my hip. Haven't been feeling well since the gig. I think its the lack of rest. I've got a cough and a sore throat now. My whole body is acheing from soccer yesterday. Thank God for the aches... but I don't like the cough. :P
The gig on Friday was fun... but lack of practice kinda spoilt it. We worked so much on the new songs that we forgot to spend time with other two originals. 'How about, enough' came out well.. But 'She's gone' was a bit rusty. Our Finch covers also sucked. :P 'Famous Last Tears' was a hit I think. It was our last song and people came up to shake hands with me after that. Ignite did very well too. I think they were even tighter than us! Haha.. We need to work on our showmanship though... It was kinda stupid to see Matthew singing with so much passion, maha jumping up and down once in a while and me banging on the drums while Fabian and Shen just stood there like......
Had a chat with my mom last night. Needed the re-reassurance. I'm starting to understand where my dad and my sis are coming from. But I still think I'm going to help. But maybe like my mom suggested. No need to meet up, just look and give comments on how to improve it.
Good morning... Came to work quite late today.... Almost at 9. Waited for more that 30 minutes for a cab... :P SMU is having their orientation today... Lotsa people (Read: girls) here. But I'm stuck in the office, freezing to death!!!
The KC concert on wednesday was quite fun... I had a good time laughing at some of the crap that was put up... For example, the chinese orchestra. Hahaha!!! There were some things that didn't work either... like the dancers that had to play the part of guys... It just didn't 'fit'... But the dances were very good. Its hard to coordinate such a large group of dancers. I think there were 50 of them?
Cheapthrills will be performing at the third place later today... Kinda looking forward to it cos we have new songs... Feels like we have taken a step up in terms of songwriting. Hopefully Maha and Fabian don't make obvious mistakes... Had a 3 hour practice yesterday and we still haven't polished up everything. Matt just messaged to say that we might drop the 2nd new song... I hope we don't...
Good afternoon... Time seems to pass so slowly the last 2 days... Almost not moving. Kelvin took a look at my website... Gave a few comments like 'its ok'. Said that the text on the buttons could not be seen clearly... :P
Anyway, going for a concert later with Jolene and Cheng... Looking forward to it... :)
Yesterday night, the band met up at kembangan CC to work on our 2 new originals... I'm a bit worried about Maha cos his attitude towards the songs is a bit aloof... On one hand he says the songs are too simple... But he can't play the chords properly. On the other hand, when we add in variations to the songs, meaning different chords for verse, chorus and bridge, he says that its very difficult. I really hope he remembers...
I've been passing matt my lyrics/poems from my blog. Those that I write on the spur of the moment. I've realised that he learns through saturation... Meaning he immerses in something he's interested in and then reproduces it, adding his own style along the way. Hopefully he'll read my lyrics and be able to get ideas... We are a bit behind schedule for our 2nd original but everything should be alright by tomorrows jamming...
According to the health screening check on Sunday, I'm considered healthy... Other than the fact that I have low blood pressure... :P The lady did say I could put on a little more weight... How does one put on more weight... I've been trying to eat more at every meal and snacking in between for almost 6 months and I only gained 2 kg.
Still have 45 mins to go... Grrr....
Good afternoon... I'm at work now. Went for lunch just now, but I didn't eat anything much... Had a banana and orange juice. I was having somachache the whole of this morning. Had to go to toilet twice. Feel a bit tired now. I've emailed my sub-committee about their tasks already... Hopefully it'll be enough. Open to their suggestions though.
re·viv·al n.
- A time of reawakened interest in religion.
- A meeting or series of meetings for the purpose of reawakening religious faith, often characterized by impassioned preaching and public testimony.
Finally read the email that Raymond started. I can identify with what he wants to start in church. I also want to do great things for God. I just hope he knows how to wait on God and not do things in his own strength. I remember when I found God again, I felt 'on fire' and there were so many things I wanted to do for God. But there wasn't anyone else... I thank God that now there are people who want to burn for Him too... I thank God that my prayers have been answered. The bad thing is, there has been this 'jealous feeling' in my heart. I could pretend nothing was wrong and no one would notice but that shouldn't be the way to go. I've been feeling 'holier-than-thou-'. I've smirked at Raymond has said because I thought I knew more than him. Whether this is the case or not, this should not be how I should be acting... I'm VERY sure this is not what God wants. Christianity is not a competition. Burn this pride...
Sermon by Stanley was really powerful... He's getting bolder everytime he teaches. I think he senses that the congregation is ready to receive. He was speaking about our spirit prompting us between right and wrong. Wrote this during the sermon.
Thats why when we start spending more time with God, we begin to realise how filthy and unworthy we are. Because our spirit is awakened... but we shouldn't be discouraged because from the same source where we find out how unworthy we are, we get our redemption. Our unworthiness is only half the story! We have to continue spending time with God until we no longer desire to do wrong. Until the desire to please God overrides our own selfish, foolish desires.
I think this is one of the reasons why people don't spend enough time with God. Because we are made aware of our faults and shortcomings. But those that turn away forget that only by coming in humilty to Him that we experience forgiveness.
::: Quote of the Day :::
"Its knowing that He's in control that keeps me from losing control"
Decisions, decisions, decisions... I have to pray... I have to pray... I have to pray. Why me, why me, why me?
Its nothing, daryl... Don't get so worked up.
Good afternoon world... Just got my sitemap 'approved' 2 hours ago... I've been spending that time doing up the main look of the site. Feels good to be doing something productive after 2 days of slacking. Listened to Ignite yesterday... Helped them rip a few songs on to mp3. Most of the songs were nice but some were a bit jarring. I love 'feels like home'. Very very soothing!!!
I'm getting better at this. I can almost imagine what the finished product will look like. But then again, I never cease to be amazed by what He can do. Its a challenge everyday to continue trying to live my life the way I should. Trying to please Him with everything I do. And then fighting the temptation to feel depressed whenever I fail. Sometimes I feel like I don't have the strength to go on, but then I'm reminded that He provides the strength. All I have to do is KEEP TRYING!
What in the world for? Nothing is going to change His love!
I dunno... Its like wanting to please the one you love. Wanting to give something that I think is of worth, but has no value to Him. Like a little child asking his father for money so that he can buy something to give to him. Its not how much the gift is. He enjoys the fact that we try. And he will freely give to see us try to please Him. This is what keeps me going. The fact that He's pleased with my efforts.
::: Lyric of the Day :::
Why should I feel discouraged
Why should the shadows come
Why should my heart feel lonely
And long for heaven and home
When Jesus is my portion
A constant friend is He
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches over me
His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He watches me
Good morning... Life has been generally quite good. Been settling in at work... But somehow I don't feel like I belong there...Its strange. It doesn't really appeal to me. Take the gig yesterday for example. The moshing was fun but it cannot compare to a good worship... Its bizarre. The bands yesterday were quite good. I reached when "elisebelle's tears" just started. They're an skilled band. Did a lot of emo... Quite impressive but it wasn't anything I haven't seen. Just a combination of a few well-known bands. Going to watch "The Gloria Record" later in the evening...
I'm quite proud of myself... Its been 6 months already. I'm halfway there... Not without its fair share of ups and downs.(Mostly downs... :P) But I thank God that its going to get easier... Still some slip-ups here and there. Its a good thing God always forgives... :) I still contemplate having a relationship again but it doesn't cripple me anymore... Looking forward to see how God is going to provide. Its kinda exciting. But I hafta get it in my head that the end of the covenant does not necessarily mean the start of a new relationship. Everyday I've been asking myself whether I would still want her back. I guess I want her back for what she was. And that, probably is impossible...
Going to church now...
The Visits
